This is my last public letter to you. I’m not quite sure what to write this time. It’s been hurting lately. Last year was hard. It was hard to accept that you were really gone but it was more dealing with the shock value still. How could you be gone? That made no sense to me. It still makes no sense to me. And believe me, buddy. I’ve tried for the past two years to find rationality in what happened. Why aren’t you here anymore? Two years is a big one because it means that I really have to deal with the fact that you’re missing.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m so happy. I remember all the things you taught me and you better believe me when I say I live for you. When things get hard, I keep going because I know you’d want me to. You’re a freshman this year and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there isn’t a day that I don’t hope I’ll see you going down the halls with Ben. He’s good, by the way. We’re all okay. I’m doing alright.
A lot of people think my choices are bad or that I made the wrong decision but I made the decisions that were right for me. I’m living the best I can and experiencing everything a teenager is supposed to feel because I know you didn’t get a chance to. I’ve fallen in love, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve been so happy. I’ve driven a car, went to Disney world, refused to grow up. I still get corn dogs and think of you. Every time Scooby Doo is on, I stop and I think of you. Spongebob gets me every time. I’m still Patrick Star. You’re still my Spongebob.
I’m trying to make this count. I really am. And a part of me hopes that by some way, you get to read this. You’ve got a whole bench, Alex! It’s right there by the gym. I figure you would have spent a lot of time in there. Your feet always were pretty fast, even if your legs didn’t agree. When the days suck or things get too much for me at school, I go and sit with you. I see your gigantic grin smiling back at me and somehow I manage to dry my tears. Sitting there with you is the second best thing to having you rip open the door to your house on a Saturday night and scream that I was there. Your hugs were always and will remain my very favorite.
Alex, I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts. I wish every day that I could go to bowling on a Saturday morning, hating to wake up so early but knowing it was worth it if I could hear your infectious laugh. I hope you’re happy and healthy up there. I know I’m trying my best to be both of those things down here. I love you, buddy. Always.
“Come on baby with me, we’re gonna fly away from here. You were my best for years.”